black_hat: (chocolate and bacon)
[personal profile] black_hat
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Puck/Rachel
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2, 205
Prompt: Ideally, I'd love to see Rachel kinda using Puck as an outlet when it turns out that she can't have Jesse. Could either be in the current timeline where we know Jesse's a spy, or in the "Hello" period where she tries to give Jesse up for the team
Warning: unbetaed. There is some awkward sex within. Dub-con slightly?



Rachel was fully willing to admit it.

She had been searching for passion. Ever since she was little, she had heard the songs tell of a great and wonderful love. All those songs and lyrics had to have come from a true place. She was a strong advocate of introducing experiences into her life to better suit her performance.

For instance, in one Broadway play that spoke of a woman sleeping on the sidewalk, she had tried it herself at age eleven and had climbed out her window (for authenticity’s sake). She hadn’t expected the gum to be there and hadn’t seen it until she laid her head down and got it all in her hair.

She had had to have an impromptu haircut and she had cried for weeks, forcing her dads to hire a therapist. So, when she wept for the actual homeless? Her empathy was real!

Naturally, she had wanted to experience love. She thought she had, with Jesse. They were perfect for each other. She didn’t have to pretend that she was lesser for the sake of making people feel comfortable. She imagined he had felt the same way, that they’d rise through oppression together.

Only, she made a video.

The reaction was less than ideal. Every great piece of art should cause controversy, but she was ill prepared and honestly surprised by the expressions on the boys’ faces. Finn was on his feet, yelling at her. Yelling some truths, she’d admit. See, she was willing to admit…

That the possibility that they would be offended never even occurred to her once. It was as if she was blind. Rachel used this feeling, often, but she didn’t prefer it. The video had been symbolic, that the male figure in the song was faceless. He was every boy. That was the point of her artistic choice.

Finn wasn’t correct. Except she started to wonder. Jesse confirmed it, all, saying that she had broken his heart.

And suddenly, there was so much pain and confusion. She wanted to take it back, apologize endlessly and just make it go away, but she couldn’t.

She didn’t want to, because her dad had told her that true love was being able to make mistakes. Yet she felt she had done more than make a mistake. She had hurt someone. The walls were up again.

She wanted a song, a lyric to make sense of it, but at night, nothing came to her.

***

Rachel was worried about her lack of…experience.

She wondered if all her songs would be immature because she, to be frank, didn’t know sex. Hadn’t had sex. It had to show, just like her heartless existence had to become quickly apparent to the casual observer.

Rachel had lost her chance. Jesse would be the only one.

She refused to let herself go, continuing to be punctual and enthusiastic, but her mind kept wandering back to his words. Could she have broken his heart?

In practice, he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

***

Rachel would assure you that it started quite unintentionally.

“Hey, you aren’t being as obnoxious as usual.”

“Thank you for the observation, Noah.” She slammed the locker because it felt like what she should do and planned to avoid a slushie. Why not? That was the status quo around this place.

“Look,” he said, stepping in front of her. “The video wasn’t that bad.”

“That bad?” Rachel asked. “That bad?”

Because repetition was the key to getting through to him, it seemed.

“I’m not going to lie and kiss your ass and say it was like, a mint condition baseball card quality, but those dudes totally flipped their shit over nothing.”

“…What kind of condition would you say the video would be, in terms of the baseball card metaphor?”

Puck looked at the light in the hallway and shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m just saying, haters going to hate.”

Rachel stared at him, unsure of the reference, but she understood the sentiment. It was like receiving a breadcrumb after a famine. “Thank you.”

She understood his reasons, as well as his role. He wanted to ‘tap’ this. In her head, she felt anger, a buzzing in her head that signaled that all was not well in her world. She usually went home and exercised when this happened.

She looked at him, looked at him staring at that light, and didn’t want to run anymore.

She wanted to lower herself: complete debasement, throw it all away like the artist she was. Her solution sounded poetic and real, and maybe she just wanted to wipe that…fake sympathetic expression off his face.

“Would you like to try again?”

“…Try what again?” he asked, that old smirk showing up on his face as he looked at her once more. There we go.

If she couldn’t have love, she’d have the experience of physical intimacy.

“Make another video, of course. At my house, at eight o’clock. Be prompt.”

She turned to go and then added, “My dads will be away on a business trip.”

She imagined she heard a gasp, she imagined the look on his face now, but she didn’t turn around to see if she was right.

She knew she’d be right.

Jesse still didn’t met her eyes.

***

Puck apparently didn’t like the candles, so she put them out quickly, hiding her face a little behind her hair.

“What kind of video are we making here?” he joked, and she could sense his excitement and underneath that, his unease. He wore a wife-beater, and she was reminded strongly of Marlon Brando from A Streetcar Named Desire.

“No cameras,” Rachel said, and she wished her voice would be louder. She had trained for voice projection all her life. “It’s just the two of us, Noah. Just the two of us, all alone.”

“Yeah, not too creepy there, Berry.”

She was frustrated and she was going to make this work. She did not do failure, and this would be what they both wanted.

“I want you to make love to me,” she said, walking to her bed and laying down. He paused, slowly putting his bag down and taking in the sight of her. She felt…too bare-footed, and this lingerie was too tight. Her dollhouse room wasn’t a place for him, and he could feel it.

“What?”

“I suppose that’s not the term you use. I want you to fuck me,” she said, wasting no time on the words. Once the word was in the air, it was all she could hear. She wanted to cry and she didn’t have any reason why.

His breath caught and he moved forward, and put his hand on her wrist. His palm was warm, slightly sweaty and calloused, and Jesse’s hands had been immaculate.

“We could just make out.”

She felt glued to the bed. “I don’t want to. This is what I want, and I know you want it too. This is very simple.”

“Not really.”

“I want you, Noah,” she said, closing her eyes and seeing Finn and Jesse, all rolled up into one, and she believed it for a moment.

He did too.

“Damn,” he whispered, and climbed on to the bed, the springs creaking under his weight. She heard him pull something out of his pocket, and saw the wrapper. It was like seeing that gum on the sidewalk. Rachel didn’t want to look, and she was suddenly…wondering what it’d be like to see his penis.

She was wondering and she couldn’t move. Could not move.

Puck laid on top of her, gently, and he kissed her. His breath smelt like old beer. His hand touched her stomach, and her muscles flinched. This was under the shirt. She had said, girls like sex too, she had said that. Only, she couldn’t imagine seeing his. And now suddenly she couldn’t think of the word at all.

She kissed him back, wrapped her arms around him, and willed herself to be aroused. It worked. A mantra in her head ‘I love him, I love him, I really do’, but really, she just wanted his body. It felt good to just want his body.

Rachel could never hurt Puck, that was an impossibility. So, she kissed him, as much as she could, while he rubbed her between her legs. At first, she was startled, but she forced her legs more apart, letting him touch her through her lace panties.

Her nerves came alive, and she threw her head back, and she discovered that she was sweating. She was sweating. She couldn’t control the expression on her face. She probably looked ridiculous.

He had unzipped his pants, and she didn’t want to look.

“Rachel, are you sure?” he asked, panting.

“Yes!” she exclaimed. “I am!”

Only…the feeling of skin against her thigh almost made her shriek, and when he was inside, it hurt. It hurt so…she hissed and dug her nails into his shoulder, quite unintentionally.

“Rachel.”

“Keep going. No matter what,” she said, and he did. He was slow, though, and when he came, he pulled out of her (she could feel it!) and moved away.

“…Uh, are you okay?” he asked, touching her face. It was oddly gentle, and she didn’t mean to flinch away.

“Yes,” she said. “It was wonderful.”

But her body language had given her away. He was oddly silent and dressed himself quickly. He then sat on the edge of her bed and she…didn’t know what to say. Nothing was coming to her, no words were coming to her mind. She didn’t know, with her inner thighs feeling crusted like they were.

So, repetition. “It was wonderful.”

“Did you know, I’m not that kind of guy. I know what Quinn probably says, but…”

“Quinn doesn’t like me,” she assured him.

He was quiet and she was starting to get worried.

“’Course you wanted me,” he said finally, more to himself than her. “You’d be crazier than you are if you didn’t.”

“Of course, of course, I wanted you, Noah,” she said, touching his shoulder. It was all awkward angles and too much bodywork.

“I have stuff to do,” he said and left. Rachel laid back, listening to his car drive away. She knew she should shower, but she didn’t have the strength yet. She knew that she’d have to wash her coverlet in the morning.

She didn’t feel any different.

***

The next morning, Rachel smiled at Puck and walked with him down the hall.

He couldn’t quite look at her, but she thought he had gotten what he had wanted. It made sense to her, and she was happy for it. She was.

Jesse cornered her near her locker and asked her what was going on.

“Oh, with Noah and I?” she asked, coyly.

“He’s clearly using you while you are understandly devastated,” Jesse said, brow furrowed.

“'Using' should be in past tense,” she said, bitterly. “If you hadn’t left me, there wouldn’t have been an issue.”

Jesse looked sick, and before she knew it, he had disappeared. She heard about the fight between them later.

***

Rachel hurried to the nurse’s ward and took up a wet cloth, dabbing his face.

“You are very brave,” Rachel said, watching Jesse’s expression. He still looked murderous on her behalf.

“I risked my face structure,” he muttered.

“Noah fights too much. You did well to stand against him.” She sat on the chair and took Jesse’s hand. “I didn’t think you were one for fighting.”

“Well, there was the principle of it. A buffoon like that, taking advantage of a talented girl,” Jesse said, almost off-handedly. He allowed her to keep holding his hand, however, and Rachel took that as a good sign.

Her warm, true feelings for him returned. You see, she could feel, and she was in love.

She was in love.

She heard the door open and then shut quickly behind her. Rachel realized who it was and she patted Jesse’s hand, signaling that she had a small matter to discuss.

***

“Noah!” she yelled, running after him, and while running, realized she was still sore. It was disconcerting, but she couldn’t afford to stop.

He was already in his truck, slamming the door. “I got suspended,” he spat at her. “Do you know what my mom is going to say to me? She doesn’t need this shit, and neither do I.”

“Oh?…but you fight all the time,” Rachel whispered. He didn’t look at her, staring ahead and looking at the school building. She held on to the driver’s door, keeping his window down. “What’s wrong?”

“What the fuck, what do you mean what’s wrong?”

Even cursing, he still didn’t look at her.

“It all ended up well! I know you didn’t have any long-term commitment to me in mind, and that’s quite all right. In fact, it’s perfect,” Rachel gushed. “We can still be friends.”

She put a hand on his shoulder.

And she honestly didn’t expect him to flinch and stare at her with this…horrible, twisting expression. He looked hurt.

How? Why? He hadn’t cared. He was Puckerman. Noah Puckerman. He…

“Bitch,” he growled and started the truck. She backed away quickly and watched him tear out of the parking lot.

Rachel felt blind.

Date: 2010-06-07 08:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redbrunja.livejournal.com
Oh, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.

Date: 2010-06-07 08:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cross-rubicon.livejournal.com
I know, this was a rather painful fic to write.

Date: 2010-06-07 08:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redbrunja.livejournal.com
The pain (and Rachel's numbness) really shone through.

Date: 2010-06-07 09:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bellonablack.livejournal.com
That's what I was going for, and so this comment is love. I was a little unsure, so thank you so much.

Date: 2010-06-09 07:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redbrunja.livejournal.com
You're welcome!

Date: 2010-06-08 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] superkappa.livejournal.com
This was just...wonderfully heartbreaking and real. It just seemed...very true to the characters, you know? I could see them doing this. I especially loved:

She wanted a song, a lyric to make sense of it, but at night, nothing came to her.

There's something just wonderful and painful all at once. Very human.

Date: 2010-06-08 05:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bellonablack.livejournal.com
<3 Thank you. It was really...kind of like 'heart twisting' to write, but it felt like it'd be close to happening. That was my favorite part too.

This was an amazing comment, because I wanted to be as honest as possible. So, thanks! *hugs*

Date: 2010-06-11 01:40 am (UTC)
ext_317107: (Glee; Jesse/Rachel; world's a stage)
From: [identity profile] stainofmylove.livejournal.com
Hun, YOU SPOIL ME SO MUCH. I'm so happy you sparked on this wish, and thank you so much for filling it. I looove it. I really, really love your Rachel. You have such a unique and honest take on her character. She's so Rachel, but you also delve into and really open up this character in a lovely and heartbreaking way. I feel like all the ideas I have about her really just blossom under your care in surprising and astonishing ways. And every time Rachel talked about feeling blind? I just wanted to die. It's just so totally PERFECT, it kills me. I think you also did a really great job with the way Jesse speaks--I hope you attempt him more. Him getting in a fight with Puck? Just. So. Awesome. I LOVE THIS! THANK YOU!!

Date: 2010-06-12 01:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bellonablack.livejournal.com
<3333 *bounces* XD I did spark on this one, I think, cause the prompt was so good and had a lot of room for interpretation. I'm happy that Rachel is Rachel, and that the ideas are familiar to her, too! That's the best thing I could ever hear as a writer, and it means so much!

Thank you so much, and I WILL try Jesse more, maybe a more exclusively Jesse/Rachel fic, and...just thank you for the amazing feedback! I'm glad you liked my response to your prompt! <3

Date: 2010-06-22 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amoenavi.livejournal.com
Oh God, I actually gasped at the ending. Rachel - Rachel!

The sad thing is that this is so perfectly Rachel to always be just a step behind her boys. OW.

[Also, this kept playing through my head:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j70Apuf_l0k&feature=related
. Which is just so upsettingly perfect.]

Bravo!

Date: 2010-06-23 07:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bellonablack.livejournal.com
<3 Thank you so much. I'm so glad that it was IC for Rachel, and it was a pretty tragic story to type.

And that is a song I haven't heard before, and listening to it, it's hauntingly apt. <3

Thank you so much for the comment! I appreciate it. :-)

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